Friday, August 22, 2008

#358: not so awesome.

first, let me say thanks for all of your comments on post #357. i asked because i'm sorta kinda at a crossroads...a semi-twixter, stuck between adolescence and adulthood, not in a "financial needs" capacity but more in a what-is-the-purpose-of-my-life way. maybe quarter-life crisis is a better description. in any case...

1) i'm in banking.
2) i do not love it.

like many of you, i appreciate being able to pay the bills, afford some luxuries, feel independent and call my own shots. but also like many of you, i don't have the cajones (edit: cojones!)-of-steel to drop everything and just go. for. it. i've got the paycheck-umbilical cord. and...even worse...is that i'm not really sure that i even know what i'd want to go after, if i so happened to grow some cajones (edit: cojones!) overnight.

so...thanks to everyone for sharing. i truly enjoyed getting an inside look at what you guys do regardless of whether it garners your "love"...and i'm also truly inspired by those of you who've discovered your passion...had the courage to dedicate yourself to it...and simply love what you do.

this blog thing really just blows my mind sometimes.

so...on to the real point of this post and what was "not so awesome". i had a dream the other night. that it was my wedding day. and after the ceremony, there were like 5 people at the reception. the music was bumpin' and the bartenders were armed and ready...and the dance floor was empty. it was just me, roaming around, wondering WhereTF everyone was. turns out everyone had left. gone home. before the party had even started.

why am i already having these kinds of anxiety-ridden dreams, right? it's. so. not. awesome.

17 comments:

Anne said...

Seriously? It's so normal. I'm a photographer, and I have dreams all the time that I show up to shoot, and my camera catches on fire or gets eaten by a wild animal. No joke. Heaven knows why we dream these things, but I'm sure it's just a reflection on how much we care about that particular event or issue. Take heart. :) It's not an omen! :)

Desaray said...

guilty of guilty and baddie did next told me that when you dream you are every person in the dream. that was a helpful and new idea to me.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean this in a snooty way, but it's "cojones." ("Cajon" means drawer or crate.)

Becky said...

I'm having the same exact fear about my dance floor, except it's not a dream...I think it will turn out to be real. Our guest list is 60 max. FI gave me a general 'heads up' when we first started planning that his family does not dance at all. I simply filed it away in my head with the million other details. After a FMIL family picnic the other day it really hit home that at our wedding FI's relatives are either going to be at the bar or outside smoking. I've gotten some good suggestions to how to change up the atmosphere to get FI's family more involved but I've definitely been daydreaming a lot of second thoughts on things I've booked that I'm now financially tied to.

Amanda B. Young said...

I just had to respond to you here. I'm totally in your boat on the job thing. In fact, that's what got me started blogging (it's kind of what my blog is about). I loved the phrase "paycheck-umbulical cord" -- too funny, and so accurate. But, if it makes you feel any better, it took me a while to figure out what I wanted. I knew I didn't want to do what I was doing but didn't know what my alternative would be. You'll figure it out eventually, and, when you do, I'm sure you'll be ready to break free!

And, about the dream thing -- funny story -- I had dreams of my wedding nearly every night the two months before my wedding. When I was actually walking down the aisle I had to pinch myself that it was real because I felt like I had already done it a thousand times (the only bonus to this was that I had no nervousness whatsoever!). Anyway, don't stress and I'm sure the dreams will subside (or maybe you will have some good ones -- those are nice!). Best of luck to you and keep up the great posts! You're on my Google Reader!

Kristin said...

Me TOO! I have 9.5 months to go, and I keep having dream after dream. Last night, I had a nightmare that my FI cheated on me. There's no reason to think that he would. We've been together for 8 amazing years. But, I know A LOT of people whose marriages have broken up due to the man cheating. STOP THE DREAMS!!!

10/09 said...

It's normal. I have nightmares the week before school starts up again and during the first weeks of school.... that my kids will lock me out or I'll forget to wear clothes to school. Oh the brain... isn't it fun!

Veronica said...

8 months to go and I've had dreams where I wake up (in my dream) and it is my wedding day. I had nothing prepared. I had not realized I had run out of time and now everyone is waiting for me to show up. Or there's the one where I get the place and time completely wrong and I'm really early - a year early! Crazy dreams ... lol!

Caroline said...

I was you a year and a half ago. My fiance is one of those people who is living their dream and gets paid to do awesome stuff, and he is an independent contractor -- meaning no security of that twice-monthly paycheck and company-paid health insurance. I hated my job and that hatred was affecting every part of my life. My fiance is the one that gave me the courage to leave my miserable safety net of a job and start my own company. I basically just combines the things I love doing under one heading and make money at it. Now I'm a writer, a photographer and a model, and despite having to pay for my own health insurance make a hell of a lot more money than I did at that job I hated. Just figure out what you love to do and let your passion carry you. Don't allow fear to stop you from living the life you want to live.

Champagnewednesdays said...

I am having wedding frightmares galore. Not sure what it is...I am otherwise fairly relaxed about the whole organization part. I think it is the unspoken knoweldge that our day will change our lives forever. In a good way, but still a huge change.

FightTheSize said...

Just play the Bunny Hop or The Electric Slide & threaten no booze to those who don't dance!

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I have the dreams, too and i am 11 months away. Recently I have been dreaming that it is the day of the wedding and I realize we haven't planned ANYTHING for the ceremony and don't know what we will say to each other. Awesome.

Sarah said...

hehe, I had my first wedding nightmare the other night. I dreamt that I woke up on the day of the wedding and realised I had forgotten to get a dress. For some reason I was actually quite calm about this - ?! So off I went to the local shopping centre with 5 hrs to find a dress. Couldn't find anything I liked however so I ended up getting married in my bathrobe (well, it is white at least). I woke up with cold sweats. Apparently it is normal to have these crazy wedding dreams a few months out?! We have 4.5 months til ours.

Re the job thing: I work in finance/banking as well in a marketing/design role. I really, really do not like it. At all. I do however have a great boss and quite flexible working conditions so it's hard to leave the security of the paycheck behind. And with a wedding to pay for it is just not going to happen right now! But in my spare time I am trying to get an invitation business started in the hopes that one day I can make a living on my own terms.

I am also one of those people who is still not 100% sure what it is I would really love to do with my life. But I think the best thing is to find something you're passionate about (or at least like A LOT) and see where it takes you.

You will get there, don't worry! :)

desert bride said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
desert bride said...

I am in the desert [where the wedding is] the sun is about to set [ceremony time] and I look up to see the groom in the middle of the desert with my laptop searching online for vows. I can't be mad at his lack of prepared-ness because it is then that I realize I have not written my own vows. I scan the area and see that everything [tables, chairs, etc] is not yet set up; so I begin to sketch a floor plan for the helpers so they can set that s*@t up while we, um get married. Then I realize the helpers are not there. NO ONE IS THERE; NOTHING HAS BEEN SET UP; I AM NOT DRESSED.

This dream was about 6 months ago, I have had few since. Somewhere along the line the super Zen advice of knowing that things will go wrong, but that no matter what it will be ok, and everyone will have fun, set in. Now 2 weeks away I feel very calm and confident. I just had to change my mindset. It will be ok!

Also- I am 27, about to finish a 5 year professional degree in Architecture, work in the industry, and I , um, don't think I want to be an architect.... [nor do I know what I want to do.] Yikes!

amber {daisy chain} said...

totally normal! you're about to throw the biggest party of your life, it's ok to feel a twinge of anxiety every now and then. But know this, it will turn out FAB!

Kristy - Where's My Damn Answer said...

I can relate to you 100% on what you are feeling right now about leaving the paycheck behind. I was in those shoes for many years. I worked for an entertainment company as a legal assistant for 10 years and there were times that I felt chained to that place. I also had a side business making jewelry. It really started as a hobby and turned into more when family/friends wanted the pieces I was making.

Long story short, just over two years ago, I FINALLY made the leap and decided it was time to shoot for the stars with my jewelry and leave the job behind.

I joined women's groups that would help that transition along, I started booking myself into more and more shows to sell my wares ... and in 2008 I launched a line that we would start selling into stores.

I'm not going to tell you that it's not scary - there are times that I think, "OMG where will I get some money this week". But I always manage to come up with a way to make it work.

Seriously - it's the BEST decision I ever made (albeit the scariest).

My advice to you is to see if you have a Ladies Who Launch near you. They have a great program which helps you determine what your passion is and give you some courage to pursue it.

As far as the dream ... SO very normal. I think every bride has those dreams. It's part of the ride.