#649: my real life.

i hate those movies without endings. and yeah, if i were you, i'd want to know how much i spent and how i spent it.

i asked the hubs if he thought he'd want to know if he didn't already know and he said..."uh. duh."

$10,000 isn't chump change but it sure is a dreamy budget for a real wedding, eh. not for all, but for most. so i get it. i get you.

i'm not embarassed i went over (not anymore, anyways) and i don't think you'd judge me for it. i've had one or two comments thrown my way to the effect of something like "i'm going to stop reading this blog because you are obviously going over $10,000 which means you are lying to us and you are not staying true to the cause..." (errr, ok?...)

but they're obviously no longer reading so...

...and this blog has been blessed with extremely supportive readership. my wedding clearly wasn't run of the mill but most of the things i chose to do were fully supported through TTO. because you GET indie. you GET setting a budget that is within your means and then some. you GET refusing to be WIC-ified unless you want to be. you GET it. plus, i don't KNOW-you-know-you. so i'm not scared to share personal information with you.

but in real life, i get scared. i'm a really reeeeeeally private person. like annoyingly private. like i have walls and things all around me. and there are like 3 people inside those walls with me. and the rest will forever just be scratching the surface.

...i'm one of those.

we can get psycho-analytic about my past with friendships and trust and things like that...but that's not the point. point is. i get nervous when people i know know too much about me.

which is why i've chosen to remain anonymous until now. which is why i still haven't told any of my friends about this blog. which is why even though i think they might already know about this blog, i don't ever bring it up. and which is why they probably don't bring it up with me. which is why i hope you can appreciate that it was a really reeeeeeeally big deal to show you my faaaaace. sure, you would've eventually perhaps figured it out. but dude. i actually led you there, remember?

and then now, to divulge something personal like 'how much i spent on my wedding' to not just you, but potentially to people i know...is a huge step for me. not saying i won't do it. but i'm just saying, ok?

anyways. maybe you get where i'm coming from. maybe you don't. either way, i know you're curious.

so as i mull it over and figure out the best way for us to meet in the middle, here's what you should do before all else should you have goals and intentions that mirror mine.

start a blog.

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i'm not joking.

(p.s. i'll explain more later. for now, i have to get back to work.)

#648: well?

i'd promised honesty during the blog's early days... but now that i'm no longer anonymous, i'm getting quite shy about sharing the specifics.

a reader sent me this email, which was kind of lovely to read actually, considering the things i've been considering.

so i'm sharing it with you. so read it and let me know how you feel. i'm considering this an informal poll, of sorts.

hi there. you don't know me, but because i have been following your blog for so long, i feel like i know you. and because of that imbalance, it seems foolish for me to request something from you... but i'm going to anyway. i thought about commenting my request, but since i've never commented, and because i wanted to make sure that it got to you, i'm emailing. so without any further [creepy] ado...

please don't tell us how much you spent. it doesn't matter. it just doesn't. the whole journey of discovery and revelation [culminating with your pictures, oh! your pictures...] became more than a monetary goal. so much more. we don't need all the answers.

we all have the same goal, really - to capture, for ourselves, the memories of pure happiness that you've captured for yourself. so, no matter the name of your blog, or what you started out aiming for, you are successful.

like i said, you don't know me, so i won't be at all offended if you don't indulge my request. just putting it out there.

congratulations and best wishes always.

#647: did you know.

that even when the wedding's over, the to-do list is still alive and kickin.

we have registry gifts we have to return (dupes and the like) and we have yet to even begin writing our thank you cards. but at least we have the thank you cards.

i love gocco.




oh, and should i be worried about our marriage license? we mailed our stuff in at the end of may...and the check hasn't cleared and we haven't seen anything yet. does it usually take this long? don't know about these things, see.

#646: *thank you.*

hey you. a million thanks for being so nice to me.

i feel like i've bared my SOUL by exposing my face but...it's not like you don't know how my soul works anyways. eh?

and also, many thanks to max, who, by making us clowns look so soft...and me, the consummate non-dainty, look downright wispy at times...gave me the courage to show you us.

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the day went by quickly...but i remember every moment.

like, i remember when we were up at the altar. when i was looking into his eyes. when i was thinking, he's kinda cute...i wonder if he thinks i look pretty today...wow.. i'm getting married... stop crying..get it together (to myself).

i also remember the words we said to each other. how he promised to take me shopping (no really. he did. "i will...take you shopping". that's what he said.) how he said he would always provide a safe place. how i said i would always listen. the jokes we laughed at...

when we stood in the back of the room and watched the slideshow my sister labored over for like a million hours. our first dance. our second dance. (we like to dance.) our first bite of prime rib (heaven). the toasts. slicin' up our itty bitty cake. when his mom and i cut the rug with our awesome dance moves. seeing all of our guests, most of them from out of town, together in one room. hugging each person.

i'm normally not as attentive (ask anyone who knows me)...to anything -- but i really was on that day. i WAS a sponge. i soaked it all in.

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i was really really happy.

#645: hi.

so.

um.

nice to meet you.

<3,
tto

#644: dude.

so now that the big elephant question has been answered, could i push the dinero talk aside for a bit and just 'gurge about stuff? (like you have a choice.)

random thoughts:

1) you haven't seen my face yet. and i don't know if i want you to. there's something kind of freeing about running around this blog world anonymously. it's like, i can do anything i want, say whatever i want, care about myself and only myself. (you should try it sometime. it's fun.)

but indubitably, people (and by "people", i mean "people i know and who know me") will figure it out...even if i don't show my actual noggin. not because i'm popular (i only have like 150 friends on facebook. and yes, isn't that how you measure popularity these days?) but because. the world is small. los angeles is smaller. and the blog community (of which some of my friends are active participants) is even smaller than that.

fact: one of my friends found this blog and asked if it was me. really. srsly. to which i had to of course say "yes. but tell anyone about it and i'll cut you."

i didn't really say that.

2) there are a lot of things that went wrong at our wedding. i will share these with you first so we could boohaha together and get the boohaha-ing out of the way. oh, and also because i am a pessimist-slash-skeptic and this is what pessimist-slash-skeptics do: point out the bad stuff.

*the officiant left out a significant part of the program which caused some confusion when we were announced as husband and wife which then confused the guests who only caught on that the ceremony was over when we were already halfway down the aisle.

*the djs played a lot of the songs i had carefully taken off the song list and didn't play a lot of the songs i had added to the list.

*we only made the rounds to half of our guests during the reception because we were pulled away midway for the toasts...for which we had to wait for the best man anyways for 10 minutes afterwards because he was waiting for his wife. this happens to be my biggest regret of the entire day. we should have just continued making the rounds until the best man was really ready because by the time the toasts were over (and the father-daughter / mother-son dances immediately followed afterwards), most of the guests were either on the dance floor with us or were milling around the bar or were leaving. we didn't get group pictures with the rest of the tables.

*i had to whisper loudly to my sister after her speech to remind her to announce the father-daughter dance (she was distracted by this thing called emotion)...which she announced...and then whisper loudly again to remind her to also introduce the mother-son dance which was happening at the same time.

and...those are the ones i remember.

3) re: the mishaps --> on the day of, i only gave a sh*t for like half a second. i gave myself a quick talking to when these things happened so i wouldn't get too upset. quite proud of myself. if i do say so. myself.

oh cher...'if i could turn back time...' -- but i can't. so.

4) i danced. a lot. at times, i think i might have even been dancing by myself. clearly, i wasn't really paying attention, and clearly, i just really wanted to dance. so i did. whether there were 2 people on the dance floor (as in me and a person who just happened to be standing nearby) or 30 people on the dance floor, i danced. with 'em all. 'twas joyous.

5) dana got married. lady-blogger-friend is a gem...with positivity oozing out of her. she has been uber supportive during my sulkier times and following her journey has been equally as uplifting. wishing her and hunter the BESTEST EVER.

6) i kind of missed you guys while i was busy honeymooning. in a way only a rather obsessive blogger ever could.

7) so i'm married now. it's different but same.

i never said this post would have a point.

#643: the bottom line.

so...was i able to pull off our wedding for $10,000?

the answer is no. and no, i'm not going to 'surprise' you later and say we spent less. because we didn't. we spent more. to be clear.

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more on this to come.